Self medicating myself with these mantras

"The heart is Deceitful above all things"

I'm not writing this for anyone with a name. I'm writing this for you, whoever you are. Or whoever wants to read it. Let me tell you the things I've felt and the things I've seen lately. Ill try to brace myself and not get too into detail. I wouldn't want to give you a headache. But its a mess. I know i always say that, but you have to believe me. My head and my heart have met and are colliding with full force. I Love Him. Not you. I miss Him. But I always find myself with You. Everything comes down to Him. My brain is mushed, my insides are twisting, my breath is slow, and my bones are as brittle and cold as icicles. Don't feel sorry. We'll make it through like we always do. This hasn't killed me, yet. It's just difficult, seeing myself slip, seeing myself at a loss. As stupid or as selfish as it sounds, this has been one of the hardest things I've had to cope with. Love is truly deceitful, indeed. Stop saying I'm too young, stop calling me naive. You don't know me. you don't know anything but these words. Love is Love. as simple and as difficult as that. No one can make me think otherwise. So enough about that. Lets put that weeping willow to rest.
I'm going through something right now. Something ill always remember, I cant wait till its over. So I can live to tell about it to anyone who is willing listen. I'm painting my walls white. Don't know why, but it symbolizes some sense of purity to me (oh the irony) it'll bring life and light to my room once again. As cheesy as everything sounds, it'll represent a beginning. I took of most the posters off my room, i opened the windows, changed the sheets. I finally breathed, for the first time in a long time. Everything is starting to mend. This sense of optimistic apathy will do me some good.
Well, How have you been? Tell me, I'm intrigued, because I know, I know its nice having someone there to listen to you. Its quiet now, and I'm here. Don't dwell on little things my friend, I know its hard but your so young, we are so young. Lets feel alive while we can.
You know, sometimes in my head, I think I'm 26 rather than a mere 16. I like to daydream on whats to come and who ill be. Don't look at me like that, I hate that face you do when you look at me like that. Dreaming is free and money is tight. I asked my father if he truly felt happy being the man he is today. He grinned. That crooked grin he has and told me "No one is ever content with their lives" but I beg to differ,I think if we just, if we just put down all our walls closed our eyes and breathed deep into the air, if only for a few moments we could feel happy. I might not know what life is all about, I might not know much at all, but id rather be dumb and happy than wise and sad. Besides its not those big things that truly make us happy its those little insignificant moments that give us pure joy. And you my friend, you deserve every smile you get. It might be silly, but I still dream about an orange colored day whereas I wake up next to Him, breathing on neck so soft and soundly. I still dream of those rainy Thursdays, dancing to The Beach Boys or Frank Sinatra in the kitchen in our stockings, and those late days we'll be so tired but we wont care, because we have all we need and that's each other. We wont have much and everything will feel like its right in its place. Late night kisses on his eyelids, tangled feet, warm bodies, music in our shoes, lazy afternoon naps. It wont be perfect but it will sure feel right. One might call it Bliss, perhaps. Oh dearest, don't feel like that. This is no love letter this but scattered thoughts. This isn't much at all. I'm Tired.
Good riddance